Being friends with me is probably really hard.

Artwork by my incredible sister, Jen!

"I watched her, and I wanted to be like her, but I hated her for being someone I couldn't be. And I hated myself for not being who I wanted to be. Such is the paradox of jealousy." - Allison Vesterfelt, Packing Light

This, my friends, is how I feel in so many of my friendships. I have these wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends who do all these creative and inspiring things, and when I look at my life compared to theirs, I feel like I don't measure up. It might be that I don't have a place of my own like Kaylan does, or I still have student loans to pay off, unlike Jen. Or it could be that I don't have that effortless beauty that Ana or Snix or Jaymi or Mandy have, or my inability to control my tongue the way Brittni does. It could be anything - name a friend of mine and I could probably give you a list of all the things she has that I want.

This game, this lie of competing with people, comparing myself to them and making judgments about myself and them, has poisoned my heart toward certain people. For some reason I think there's not enough room for me and her. Not enough room in our friendships, in our church, at the table with Jesus for both of us. People can only like one or the other, not both of us. And I convince myself that they'll pick her, obviously, because she's pretty/athletic/artsy/musical/whatever better than me. So, to protect myself, I close off my heart to the prospect of being her friend. I try not to let it show outwardly, because, you know, I'm a good girl, but it's there in my heart. That bitterness, that resentment that God made her this way and not me.

I hate this part of myself. I try to combat it with Scripture, reminding myself that I am beautiful and loved and equipped (eshet chayil!), but still, when I'm with certain people, it rears its ugly, ugly head. It's not their fault; it's my sin. And I am so, so sorry for the times I have made you feel ugly or small or not good enough because of my own dumb insecurities. It's not your fault; it's my sin. And while I'm learning to extend grace to people (because they can't help how they were made), I need to give myself some grace, too (because I can't help it, either). I'm so hard on myself when I don't do things just so, and I need to learn to just ease up. One person or another isn't better than me just because we're made differently. I need to learn to sit next to her at the table, to commune with her and Jesus in full knowledge that he died for both of us and he loves both of us.  There's room enough at the table for both of us.

Can you relate? I would love to hear your story!