Giving Thanks in a List

This year, I am thankful for:

1. A family that supports me and allows me to move back in so I can focus on getting out of debt. I'm sure it's an inconvenience to have your grown daughter move back in with you and not pay any rent at all, but I'm thankful that my parents don't seem to think of it that way. And I'm thankful for the extra time I get to spend with my siblings while they're growing up.

2. A God who knows what it's like to be human, because he was one. He understands our faults and shortcomings, and he forgives and forgives and forgives. I am so thankful for that blessing.

3. An amazing class of 2 and 3 year olds. I love all my classes, but I'm especially thankful for how sweet and well-behaved this group is. Many of my sessions this year have been challenging, and this one is just a season of rest. I love it, and I love the boys and girls in my class.

4. Singleness. It might seem like a strange thing to be thankful for. I'm thankful for singleness because it frees up my energy to focus on work, Christ, and goals like getting fit and getting out of debt. I'm thankful because it has taught me how to receive love from all different kinds of people in many different ways, not just romantic love from a spouse. I've learned to value familial love, friendship love, and most of all the love of Christ above all things.

5. NOT working in retail. I don't think I need to explain that. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Being friends with me is probably really hard.

Artwork by my incredible sister, Jen!

"I watched her, and I wanted to be like her, but I hated her for being someone I couldn't be. And I hated myself for not being who I wanted to be. Such is the paradox of jealousy." - Allison Vesterfelt, Packing Light

This, my friends, is how I feel in so many of my friendships. I have these wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends who do all these creative and inspiring things, and when I look at my life compared to theirs, I feel like I don't measure up. It might be that I don't have a place of my own like Kaylan does, or I still have student loans to pay off, unlike Jen. Or it could be that I don't have that effortless beauty that Ana or Snix or Jaymi or Mandy have, or my inability to control my tongue the way Brittni does. It could be anything - name a friend of mine and I could probably give you a list of all the things she has that I want.

This game, this lie of competing with people, comparing myself to them and making judgments about myself and them, has poisoned my heart toward certain people. For some reason I think there's not enough room for me and her. Not enough room in our friendships, in our church, at the table with Jesus for both of us. People can only like one or the other, not both of us. And I convince myself that they'll pick her, obviously, because she's pretty/athletic/artsy/musical/whatever better than me. So, to protect myself, I close off my heart to the prospect of being her friend. I try not to let it show outwardly, because, you know, I'm a good girl, but it's there in my heart. That bitterness, that resentment that God made her this way and not me.

I hate this part of myself. I try to combat it with Scripture, reminding myself that I am beautiful and loved and equipped (eshet chayil!), but still, when I'm with certain people, it rears its ugly, ugly head. It's not their fault; it's my sin. And I am so, so sorry for the times I have made you feel ugly or small or not good enough because of my own dumb insecurities. It's not your fault; it's my sin. And while I'm learning to extend grace to people (because they can't help how they were made), I need to give myself some grace, too (because I can't help it, either). I'm so hard on myself when I don't do things just so, and I need to learn to just ease up. One person or another isn't better than me just because we're made differently. I need to learn to sit next to her at the table, to commune with her and Jesus in full knowledge that he died for both of us and he loves both of us.  There's room enough at the table for both of us.

Can you relate? I would love to hear your story!

Perseverence in Prayer

At church we have been going through Margaret Feinberg's study, Wonderstruck, and this week's lessons were about prayer. Today was specifically about persevering in prayer. Both the man in Luke 11 and the widow in Luke 18 persisted in asking for what they wanted, and because of their persistence, they were granted their requests. This brought a question to my mind: How do you know when the answer is no and you should stop asking?

I'm sure all of you have a person or situation you've prayed about over and over, perhaps even for years. How do you know when God has just said no? Or do you keep praying until the end, hoping that your persistence will grant your request? I'd love to hear what you all think!

New habits

I've blogged before about my issues with food. This past winter I gave up sweets, fast food, and junk food for Lent, hoping that it would help put to death the idol of food in my life. Well, surprise surprise, it did not. My eating habits are just as bad as they've always been.

Last week we had a wellness screening at work. They looked at my BMI as well as my blood work and helped me figure out what my fitness goals should be. I'm not dangerously unhealthy, but I'm also not making the best choices for my body. I've also been learning about food intolerances and the toll they can take on your body, such as weight gain, fatigue, brain fog (which I definitely have and it's super annoying!) and acne. I have a feeling that I may have some sensitivities to certain foods, so my goal is to discover what those intolerances are and allow my body to heal so I can feel and act my best.

I have a plan in place based on JJ Virgin's book, The Virgin Diet. I feel a little weird blogging about my weight loss plan, but if you're curious I'm more than happy to talk about it with you! I also want to be more intentional about blogging, so I'm going to try to post at least once a week or so. I never know what to write about though so if you have any ideas for me let me know!

For the moments I feel faint. (They are many.)

These are all reasons why I (feel) I don’t deserve love:

•       I am fat.
•       I am not beautiful.
•       I am not kind or considerate.
•       I am selfish.
•       I am lazy.
•       I say mean things and think mean thoughts.
•       I put myself before other people.

 These are reasons why [He] loves me:

•      He made me.
•      He knows me.
•      Jesus has made me righteous.

Dating and ~stuff.

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog post. I mean, I don't really have a reason to except that I guess I'm feeling lonely or something. I should probably be writing something to God instead but I'm just gonna lay it all out here.

I both love and hate talking about dating/singleness.

I love it because I feel so confident in myself when I'm talking about my life as a single woman. It's where I feel the most comfortable because let's face it, being in relationship with people is hard work. And I don't like to work very hard at anything; I wish it would all come much more naturally to me. Plus I know that it's God's best for me so it's easy (and hard at the same time) to embrace it.

But I hate how cowardly I feel. And also lonely. Because guess what, even though I can be happy spending time by myself, I really really need other people. And I want to feel important and special and all that stuff. Wanted and pursued and romanced and like another person just likes me and wants to be with me. I don't know if I can communicate it all that well, but I think everyone understands what I mean. I want to love and be loved.

I know that I am loved right now. For one thing, I know that God loves me and he is for me and he only gives good gifts (even when they taste bad). I also know that my parents love me and they are for me and I know there are people I'm friends with who love me. Furthermore, I know that romantic love is not the greatest achievement there is, but when I look at my friends who are in love or I hear love songs or whatever, I feel like I'm missing out on The Great Adventure. And I want to go, too.

I want a Man to come after my heart, to really see me and still love me anyway. I guess what I really want is to feel significant in some way; I want to feel important to someone because they chose to make me important. Not like I'm important just because I was born into someone's family, but like I'm important just because. That's pretty self-centered of me, I guess. I'm a pretty selfish person.

I wish I was brave enough to just love somebody. I wish I was brave enough to ask someone out. Maybe when the right person comes along I will be brave enough. Maybe I have to take smaller steps for right now. There are other adventures to have. But I want That One.

Having emotions are wonderful. But also stupid. I think if I could turn them off then things like being single wouldn't make me sad anymore. But, God gave me this stupid heart and it wants things that I don't have and I have to learn how to find joy in the Giver and not the gifts. It's hard and like I said I don't like to work hard. But I don't really have much of a choice. It's either work hard and rejoice, or be miserable.

My heart is complete, because it's with God, but it's also sad sometimes, because it's just one heart. Maybe there's another heart out there for me, and maybe not. I hope there is, but you never can tell with these things.

No 'Poo!

So I've been reading lots of blog posts and watching lots of youtube videos about ditching shampoo and using baking soda and apple cider vinegar instead. I was hooked when I saw Faye's post about it and how gorgeous her curls looked afterwards. So today I decided to try it and here's what happened!

As you can see, I've been spending my snow day watching Parks & Rec on Netflix. :)

It looks almost exactly the same, haha! I didn't notice a whole lot of difference in how my hair looked, but I did notice a difference in how it felt. Before trying the baking soda mixture, I was using a sulfate free shampoo and conditioner, specifically Alba Botanica. I like it, especially the way it smells (mango, mmm), but the shampoo does not lather AT ALL. Most sulfate free shampoos don't, because the sulfates are the lathering agents in your commercial shampoo (*note: L'Oreal's EverPure shampoos are sulfate free but lather like a regular shampoo. They are GREAT!). It would get so annoying trying to wash my hair with the shampoo because I felt like I had to use a whole handful just to cover my scalp. And my hair just seemed to get tangled up in my fingers when I tried to scrub it into my scalp.

The baking soda was a little different. It didn't lather, but it also didn't tangle while I was massaging my scalp with it. It made it a lot easier to move it around my head and make sure I was getting every inch. When I rinsed it out though, it did start to get a little tangled and had that "squeaky clean" feeling, which isn't necessarily bad. I followed the baking soda mixture with the apple cider vinegar mixture, but only to the ends of my hair. Next time I may try it all over my hair. It did make my hair soft, but again I had some issues with it being tangled. I start my styling process in the shower by flipping my hair over my head and scrunching after my conditioner is washed out, and this baking soda/apple cider vinegar routine made that a little difficult due to the tangles.

Now that my hair is dry, there's honestly not that much difference compared to the shampoo I was using before. It feels soft, it's not frizzy, and my curls look generally the same. Knowing what I know about shampoos (they strip your hair of it's natural oils and make you dependent on all kinds of hair products that aren't good for you - basically it's all just a marketing scheme!), I'm gonna continue with the baking soda and apple cider vinegar mixtures, at least for a little while. I'll never use a shampoo with sulfates in it ever again, but I like the no 'poo method because it's way cheaper than buying shampoo and conditioner! In a couple months I'll post an update on what my hair is doing and what I'm using, but in the meantime if you have any questions or advice you want to share then send me a comment!

Tuesdays are the hardest.

I don't know what it is about Tuesdays that makes me such a grouch. I don't know if the kids tend to act up more on Tuesdays, or if that's when I start to lose my weekend high, but I consistently lose my patience more often on Tuesdays than any other day. I find myself giving into my flesh more quickly and regretting more actions and word choices. I guess I'm trying to blame it on the day of the week, when really it's my ugly sin nature breaking free and demanding attention (not unlike the 2 year olds I spend all my time with).

Tuesdays I just need an extra measure of grace, from Jesus and from myself. I am learning how to pick myself up after a mistake, brush off the dust and give myself a hug, then move on to the rest of the day. I'm learning that I don't have to stay angry at myself, that the rest of my day can be redeemed and my soul can be back at peace. And I'm realizing that the days I want to hide my face out of fear and shame are the days I need to run to the Father, cling to his goodness and grace, and receive his love even though I don't feel worthy of it. These are the days that my need for a Savior become apparent, and oh how glad am I that I have them! How thankful I am for that reminder that it is not by any good works that I achieve my righteousness, but only through my faith in Christ's completed sacrifice. His blood is precious to me and these are the days I experience it more fully.

Tuesdays can be really hard for me, but they're also good for me. It seems like that's the way God works in a lot of things.

What do you do when you feel like you have nothing to offer?

From Food Addiction to Freedom

From Food Addiction to Freedom

I just wanted to quickly share this post from Prodigal Magazine. We are now 21 days into Lent and I have to say, giving up junk food and sweets has been really easy. Like, suspiciously easy. And I think it's because I have this fail-safe defense against them. It's really easy to say no to something when you can also add, "I gave up that for Lent. I promised Jesus I wouldn't have that. I'm sacrificing." But what happens when Lent is over? What happens when I have to just say no, without any qualifiers? I don't know, but it makes me a little bit nervous.

How many more weeks of winter again?

I'm so glad it's the middle of the week. Yesterday was an awful day at work; the kids were misbehaving and I had just about had it. Today was so much better, but it was also probably the worst day so far of my brand new cold, which decided to pop by on Monday and hasn't left yet. Thankfully, I've been getting a lot of advice and support via Facebook on how to take care of it, and hopefully it won't stick around much longer or decide to turn into another sinus infection. Gettin' real tired of all this wet and cold weather we've been having lately. Lately I've been fantasizing about going someplace warm and relaxing. Maybe Orlando?

Pretty please can I take a vacation and go here?

Give me this day my daily bread.

My biggest sin struggle is with food. Maybe that sounds silly, but oh well, that's my life. I never realized it was a sin until this year. I mean, I knew that I was inclined to overeating, eating junk food, and eating to relieve stress, but I didn't know it was sinful. Then I read this book:

(Jocelyn will laugh at me for reading a book by Lysa TerKeurst, and a book about food at that, but honestly it was really helpful for me, so, take that.)

Anyway, Made to Crave helped me realize that all my bad habits with food are really me saying, "Jesus, you're not good enough for me. The cross doesn't satisfy me. I need this food to feel satisfied." When I've had a rough day, I eat. When I've had a great day, I eat. When I'm trying to cover the shame over some other sin, I eat. And what happens is I just pile on more and more shame because really, why am I letting food have this power over me? I should be stronger than this, right? I should be able to say no to the junk food sitting in my pantry. But I can't, and I don't, and it's unhealthy for me both physically and spiritually. 

I'm gonna be real with you for a second: I have gained like 20 pounds over the past year. Now, I have worked very hard to not be one of those people whose lives are ruled by the scale. I don't own one and I have no plans to buy one. I know how much I weigh only because I weigh myself every time I'm at my mom and dad's house. But my point is, I don't have a problem with weighing 155 pounds because I have worked to separate my value from that number. It's been a hard process but I can honestly say that the number on the scale doesn't matter to me as much as how I feel about my body, and I like my body. I think it looks nice and it can do cool things. So, my issue isn't so much with my weight as it is with how I got to this weight. And I got to this weight by overeating, making junk food a staple instead of a treat, and going to the refrigerator or the pantry with my problems instead of to Jesus. That's what I have a problem with, and that's why I need to change my eating habits.

So for the next 40 days (Lent for those of you who are playing at home), my plan is to starve the beast called food idolatry. I have set some rules for myself but more importantly I have established why I made the rules. Let me be clear: this is not so I can lose weight and get skinny before swimsuit season. This is for my relationship with Jesus, because until now I have chosen food over him every single time. I have made food an idol and given it the power to make decisions for me. Well, I don't want to be ruled by food anymore. I want to be ruled by Jesus Christ and him alone. I'm expecting a tough fight, as you would expect when fighting any sort of sin. But Jesus died and rose again so that I could be free from this slavery to food; how could I possibly let myself stay captive to unhealthy habits when he has made me free and given me victory over sin? 

90s night!

I'm a 90s kid. One time I saw a post on the Internet that said, "Props to 90s kids for being proudest of their generation for no reason." And it's true. But honestly, the 90s were the best time to be a kid. Technology was just starting to be an every day thing. Boy bands were like super popular for some reason. We had these things called "floppy disks" and "VCRs." I mean, it took 15 minutes to get online to check your email. But it was great. I loved it.

I forgot to mention Polaroids. I still have my mom's old Polaroid camera. I love taking pictures with it but the film is so expensive now I've been hoarding my last few pictures.

The other night some friends had a 90s themed party. It was so fun to dress up the way we used to as kids (I wasn't that fashionable back then but I don't have any stirrup pants or unicorn sweaters anymore, so I had to make do. Although I guess I could have worn my giant cat sweater...), watch old animated movies (An American Tail, anyone?!), and reminisce over Hansen and Michael W. Smith music videos.

Man, what a great time to be alive. Sometimes I miss being a kid, when life felt so much bigger and the pressure was off. I want to get that feeling of excitement and mystery back. I guess that's kind of what being a child of God is about; enjoying life and learning to trust him in everything.

Also, Relient K was and continues to be the best band ever.

Hello again.

I think I'm bad at being intentional. I should work on that.

I've been sick this week. I had to miss three days of work. My coworkers have been so great and understanding about it, though. I just can't wait to be well again!

Hopefully I can keep this up and blog more regularly than once every two years. So far 2013 has been pretty good for me. What about you?