Isaiah 38:17

"Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back."

Trust.

Do you ever just get overwhelming doubts about God's plan? (What if he doesn't even have one. What if he's just winging it like I feel I am.) Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that's not true though. I'm just telling you what I feel, how it looks from my perspective.

You must have felt the same way too, though, once or twice in your life. You take a look at where you are, and where you have come from, and where you're going (if you can even see in front of you - I can't), and it seems like it doesn't add up. You spend four, five, six years of your life studying and racking up debt and then you get a degree in some narrow field of study and all of a sudden find yourself unemployed with no opportunities in that field at all. And you have to wonder, was I wasting my time? Did I do the wrong thing? What was the point of spending all that money if I'm not even using my education? It just doesn't make sense.

That is where I find myself tonight. Just after midnight, lying awake in my bed worrying over the future. Worrying that I will never find my calling, my purpose, that I'll always just be waiting and wasting my time and everyone else's. I look back at my life, the choices I've made and the roads I've taken to get here, and I just don't see how it adds up. The past and the future (as I can see it) don't match, and it worries me.

Trust me. Just a small voice, and just those words. Nothing else. No revelations or epiphanies. Just the command to trust. And so I draw a deep breath, and I steel myself, and I say, "Okay." It's really the only thing there is to say, anyway. There is nothing else but to trust, am I right? Trust and read your words, and be encouraged. You have plans for me, big, great plans (Jer. 29:11). They're bigger than my plans, better thought out, and more complex than I can understand (Is. 55:8-9). And let's not forget that you love me (Jer. 31:3). If you love me, how can you have anything for me but good?

My worst fear is that I somehow screwed up by picking the wrong school or the wrong major, that I wasn't listening to you hard enough in high school and what if you were actually saying Go here? Do this instead of that? But, what's done is done, and I can't change the past, and I can only hope and trust that even if I wasn't listening to you then, you will use everything for your glory. And since I'm listening to you now, I can make the right choices from here on out.

I can't be alone in this. If you've felt this way, raise your hand. Don't be shy. I want to hear your stories. And I want to give you the same words the Lord gave me tonight: Trust him. He brings everything to light in his own time. Though you may be thinking (as I am), My life is just random circumstances! None of it is adding up, and none of it is giving me a clear sense of direction or purpose. Remember this, my friends: the Lord has a plan, even when you don't. And it's a good one. Listen, and trust, and it will all be revealed, in time.

Even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.

"There will be a highway called the Holy Road...It is for God's people exclusively - impossible to get lost on this road. Not even fools can get lost on it." Isaiah 35:8 (The Message)

I read this today in my morning devotions. The chapter is about the return of the redeemed to the land God has promised them. It's a chapter full of joy and images of a desert springing to life with new growth. And at the end it talks about a highway. The "Way of Holiness," the Way to the Lord. There is no uncleanness or wickedness on this road; no wild animals to maul its travelers. Only "the redeemed shall walk there" (vs. 9). And, perhaps most importantly to me, it's impossible to lose your way on this road. Even if you are acting a fool, you will not lose your way.

Oh, what a blessing! What a joy to be given this road to find God! And what a peace to find that you cannot lose your way, even though you are a fool. Everlasting hope and joy are ours on this Holy Highway, and those are things which cannot be taken away by circumstances. They are ours to claim because God has redeemed us. What glorious truth, what strength to my soul!

I am lovely.

That is what I wrote in the margin of my Bible next to the verse that says

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!"

Psalm 84:1

Beth Moore taught me this. We are the dwelling place of the Lord. He calls us lovely. There is no flaw in us (Song of Solomon 4:7).

I think about these types of things often, as I'm sure you do. Even before I read these verses and learned what they meant, I wanted everyone to feel and know and believe that they are beautiful and wanted and worth something. Even before I felt all those things myself, I wanted you to know it. And now that I do know it, and I accept it and believe it, I want with all my heart for you to know the same.

I don't believe that you can just read a couple of verses and suddenly be secure. It doesn't work like that. You will be lied to, by yourself and by others and by the Enemy, and if you just read a verse every once in awhile, you will forget. It will feel forced, and fake, and you will wonder if it's the truth. It is. Sometimes you will just have to believe. Just take it on faith that what you are reading is true. And I believe that the more you read, the more you speak with him, the more you know him, it won't take much convincing. You will begin to feel secure. You are safe with him. Your identity is safe, your beauty is safe, your life is safe.

I wish I had learned these lessons earlier, but at the same time I am thankful that I learned them when I did, and I didn't spend one day longer believing the lie that I am worthless. Do not put this off, because the way you think about yourself dictates the way you think about other people. When you think less of yourself, you will either think more of people than they deserve, or less of them than they are really worth. But, when you realize the truth about yourself and internalize that, you will love people where they are. Bring them to where you are in loving yourself. It all starts here.

This blog got deleted.

The day after I made it. That's okay, there was only one post to begin with.

I am staying in Richmond! And I am excited about it. I finally feel sure of my place, even if I don't know all the details of my purpose. But this I am sure of: the Lord has led me this far, and he won't forget me. He makes everything known in his own time.

I do not know what this blog will be about, much like I do not know what my life will be like. I am simply listening, and obeying.