October 10.

I don't know why, but somehow in my head I've made finding a job the key to everything good in my life. In my mind, it seems logical that if I find a great job, then I will meet someone new, or someone I've already met will start to like me and ask me out on dates. I don't know where I made that connection, but it's there. I feel an immense amount of pressure to find a solid job and start making something of myself.

I don't need a great job. I don't need a boyfriend or an apartment or a new car. I just need more of Jesus. He is the key to everything good. Even if what is good doesn't seem like it would be good.

I broke my soda fast for this sweet baby today. No regrets.

September 9.

Well, I am not doing a very good job of keeping this blog updated like I said I would. Also I have no pictures. But I did choose to drink water instead of Coke tonight and my sister told me I was weird, so that felt like an accomplishment.

I always forget I have this thing.

Is it too late to start new year's resolutions? It's almost the beginning of a new school year so I'm going to say no, it's not too late. And so what that I'm not formally going back to school? I'm taking a screen printing class and anything that's called class spells school to me, so. (I'm mostly doing it for the school supplies, FYI.)

Anyway, these are my new year's resolutions which I've just thought up this moment:

• Update this blog more regularly (and with pictures!).
• On that note, take more pictures. And video. Because who doesn't need more pictures and videos of themselves and the people/things they love?
• Drink less soda (or none at all). I had two Diet Cokes today, and while that's usually pretty unusual for me, I feel like I'm drinking more and more soda lately. So I'm going to quit.
  

I wish I was better at drawing so I could draw you a picture. I can't really think of anything to draw anyway, except maybe a whale, which is my third favorite animal after cats and elephants. I think whales are incredible and, as stupid as this sounds, I always forget that the oceans are big enough to hold thousands of them (are there thousands of whales? who has the numbers for how many whales exist in the world?). I guess that's my small, self-centered mind trying to wrap around the fact that the world is bigger than just what I can see.

If you can think of anything for me to draw, let me know. It probably won't be any good but I can try.

You met me.

I can't explain what happened, but I'm better now. God is knocking down idols and reclaiming the high places, and it's painful but it's good and he's good and I trust him.

July 1.

Heavy mind today, clouded with little sleep over the week and the news that my younger sister is in the hospital at her psychiatrist's recommendation. She has been contemplating suicide and told her counselor that she would probably go through with it before their next meeting. I don't know how long she will be hospitalized, but she's under doctor care now and will have a caseworker to help her work out why she wants to commit suicide. I haven't spoken with her but I told my mom to have her call me Saturday night. That's where my mind is today.

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall never depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. -- Isaiah 54:10

I forget what day it is when I'm at camp.

I think today is Sunday. Tomorrow will start my third week at camp. I feel like I've been here for years. This weekend was definitely the best ever. After a hard week of working in the Barn for Calvary Church's retreat week (I didn't have to film last week or this week), a bunch of us went to a contra dance outside of Greenville, SC. I've only been to a contra dance once or twice, so I was really excited to get the chance to learn more and have some fun! And it was amazing. It was in this little barn-type building with string lights and fans everywhere, because it got so hot with so many people dancing and sweating and laughing. I think I danced three dances, and by the time we finished I needed a break from the heat so I went outside for some fresh air.

We left a little before the last dance, because we had to make it back before curfew at 11:30, and I just have to say that the stars that night were amazing. I've always felt that shooting stars and just the stars in general are like God's love notes to me. Last night after we got back to camp, some of us sat on the picnic tables at the Upper Field and just stared at the stars for about an hour before going to bed. We must have seen at least a dozen shooting stars in that time. It was such a wonderful time of getting to know my fellow staff members and feeling loved by God.

Today some of us went to Black Mountain, about 45 minutes away, for lunch and to just walk around a bit. We found an ice cream/fudge shop called Kilwin's, and I tried a piece of their French Silk chocolate fudge. It was amazing! I almost bought some for my mom, but we left before I got the chance. If we go back I'll definitely get some for her. :)

It will probably be another week at least before I remember to update this. Camp Care is this week. It's a camp for kids who have cancer or have been affected by cancer, and it's run by a secular organization. We just provide the facilities and the food for them, and it's a great ministry for us to reach out to them and just love on the kids and their staff. I'll be cooking in the kitchen all week, which I hear means long hours with few breaks, but I'm ready for the work and I'm excited to serve them this week.

I want to leave you with something I woke up thinking about this morning. God brought Lamentations 3 to my mind, specifically verse 23 which says, "Your mercies are new every morning, great is your faithfulness." This verse, along with verses 17 and 21-24, affected a change in my life last year when I was going through a really rocky time emotionally and spiritually. I went through a period where I prayed every night for God to take me home. Things weren't going the way I wanted them to in my personal life, and I honestly would have rather been dead than wake up in the same state another morning. I resonated with Lamentations 3:17 which says, "My soul is bereft of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is." And then I read further, and saw, "but this I call to mind, and therefore I have peace: the steadfast love of the Lord never fails; his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, great is his faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him'" (21-24). Reading those verses, I honestly believe, was the turning point in my life from despair to hope. I live in that hope now, the hope that the Lord is good and that he loves me, so what harm can possibly befall me?

I re-read all of these verses this morning, and then I kept reading and caught something new. "The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord...Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him...For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men" (25-26; 28; 31-33). So, a few things: 1) It is good for me to wait on the Lord; 2) it is good for me to be alone in this time where I have been called to singleness; and 3) out of his steadfast love, God will have compassion on me. He's not a cruel or vindictive or petty God; he loves me and he has good things for me always. Singleness? Good. Camp? Good. Poor in finances? Good. I have a hard time remembering the goodness of God sometimes, so I am trying to memorize these verses so I have something to reach for when I feel like I'm in the darkness and I'm unsure of what he's doing in my life.

I suppose that's all I really have to say tonight. Until next time!

Everything sad is coming untrue.

I've spent a week here at Camp Lurecrest and it feels like I've been here my whole life. The first couple of days were a little rough emotionally, and I should probably explain why. I have always been shy when meeting new people or when I'm put in a new situation, and sometimes it can take a little while for me to get my bearings and really get settled in to interacting with people as if I've known them forever. I think that's probably pretty normal in most situations. So the first two days I was still getting to know the camp and everyone was still getting to know me and it was a little weird, to be honest. But I'm now at day four and things are feeling better. Give me another week and I bet you it'll be like I've always been here.

We had New Venture camp this week for a group of kids from the foster care system in Charlotte. As part of the camp's support staff, I'm assigned to a cabin that I'll eat meals with, sit with in chapel, and have nightly devotions with throughout the summer. So I got to spend a good amount of time with some of the campers. We had some of the sweetest, most obedient girls in our cabin this week, and several of them had such a desire to know that they were loved. One girl asked over and over if we could get her a Bible. Sarah was able to find a few of them that she left with the cabin, and the girls who took them never stopped reading them. They asked us all kinds of questions during the nightly devotions. Some of them surface, some of them heartbreaking. We only had a week with them, and not even a full week at that, so it was sad to see them leave this morning, knowing what kind of situation they're probably going back to, and unsure if I've done everything I could or said everything I was supposed to say.

I have so many more things I could say, but dinner is in ten minutes, so I'll have to save it for another time. Praising God for this week!

June 5.

I'm getting more and more excited for camp. Now that I've worked everything out with the class I was going to take and my job, I'm really looking forward to it. And God's been faithful, too, and calmed my fears. I had a bad case of them Friday night but I just refused to think about them (which was easy, because I was at the movies).

So yes. I'm excited. Ready to serve, ready to grow, and ready to listen.

I just don't know what to pack. :/

And he said to me,

"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
-- Isaiah 41:9-10

I think Jesus wants me to go to camp.

Two nights ago a friend of mine named Sarah called to tell me that the camp she's working at this summer is looking for a videographer. She asked if I would speak with one of the camp directors about the position, and I told her I would, although I wasn't really excited about the idea of going to camp for the summer. I have my job here, and I'm supposed to start a silk screening class next week, which I was really looking forward to. But I said I'd pray about it and I kind of half heartedly asked God to tell me what I should do.

Today I spoke with the director, Jeremy, over the phone. He told me more about the position and the camp itself, and although it doesn't pay much, I would earn more money in 8 weeks there than I would working part-time at my current job. (Keep in mind that I have to start paying on several of my student loans this month, as I can no longer keep them in forbearance.) He also said I didn't have to be there right away, which was another concern of mine. Still, I wasn't convinced it was what I wanted to do.

If you recall, only about a month ago I made a post saying that I felt that Richmond was where God wanted me to be. He had closed the door in Columbia, and I was feeling good about Richmond. I had silk screening classes, VBS, and hanging out with my friends to look forward to. I was excited about staying in Richmond, and to be honest I was almost at the point of tears at the thought of going to camp, even just for 8 weeks.

(I think, too, one of my big concerns was that I wasn't good enough for a job like this. I haven't done video since college, and I've been very insecure about my skills since then. I was also a bit concerned about fitting in with everyone else at camp. I only went to camp two summers my entire life, and I've never worked at one. It's a completely different atmosphere for me. So, these things added to my worries.)

I talked to my mom and to my sister about it. They both thought it was a great idea and that I should go for it. I still was not sure. I have been wrestling with this since 3 o'clock this afternoon. Making pros and cons lists; pleading with God for a sign; telling myself that I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7). But I still felt no clear answer (surely you know how frustrating that is).

So I did the only thing I could think to do: I pulled it out of a hat. I know it sounds silly, but it was the only way I could think of to really get an answer. I tore a piece of paper into 8 smaller pieces, and just to really make sure it was God speaking, I wrote the word "camp" on one piece and the word "Richmond" on the remaining 7. Then I folded each piece in half, placed them in my sister's baseball cap, and tossed them around while asking God to place his hand on mine and be clear about what his plan was. I told him that whatever he said, I would obey.

I pulled out a piece of paper. It clearly read "camp," and my heart almost sank. Obviously I said, "Best two out of three!" (just like you would have, I'm sure) and threw it back into the hat. A few more tosses, I closed my eyes, and picked again. "Camp."

Can't argue with that, can you? I guess God has something there for me. But I still want to take silk screening, so tomorrow I've planned to call the Visual Arts Center to find out how often they offer the class, and if my scholarship will transfer or if I'll have to apply for it again. I would call my boss tomorrow as well but it's her day off so I'll call her on Friday to ask about the possibility of holding my job until I get back. Maybe giving my hours to someone else, I don't know. I don't want to lose my job because I love it there, plus I'll need a plan for when I get back anyway.

So, I guess that's the big update. I would so covet your prayers for this summer; it feels like it's going to be a doozy.

Isaiah 38:17

"Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back."

Trust.

Do you ever just get overwhelming doubts about God's plan? (What if he doesn't even have one. What if he's just winging it like I feel I am.) Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that's not true though. I'm just telling you what I feel, how it looks from my perspective.

You must have felt the same way too, though, once or twice in your life. You take a look at where you are, and where you have come from, and where you're going (if you can even see in front of you - I can't), and it seems like it doesn't add up. You spend four, five, six years of your life studying and racking up debt and then you get a degree in some narrow field of study and all of a sudden find yourself unemployed with no opportunities in that field at all. And you have to wonder, was I wasting my time? Did I do the wrong thing? What was the point of spending all that money if I'm not even using my education? It just doesn't make sense.

That is where I find myself tonight. Just after midnight, lying awake in my bed worrying over the future. Worrying that I will never find my calling, my purpose, that I'll always just be waiting and wasting my time and everyone else's. I look back at my life, the choices I've made and the roads I've taken to get here, and I just don't see how it adds up. The past and the future (as I can see it) don't match, and it worries me.

Trust me. Just a small voice, and just those words. Nothing else. No revelations or epiphanies. Just the command to trust. And so I draw a deep breath, and I steel myself, and I say, "Okay." It's really the only thing there is to say, anyway. There is nothing else but to trust, am I right? Trust and read your words, and be encouraged. You have plans for me, big, great plans (Jer. 29:11). They're bigger than my plans, better thought out, and more complex than I can understand (Is. 55:8-9). And let's not forget that you love me (Jer. 31:3). If you love me, how can you have anything for me but good?

My worst fear is that I somehow screwed up by picking the wrong school or the wrong major, that I wasn't listening to you hard enough in high school and what if you were actually saying Go here? Do this instead of that? But, what's done is done, and I can't change the past, and I can only hope and trust that even if I wasn't listening to you then, you will use everything for your glory. And since I'm listening to you now, I can make the right choices from here on out.

I can't be alone in this. If you've felt this way, raise your hand. Don't be shy. I want to hear your stories. And I want to give you the same words the Lord gave me tonight: Trust him. He brings everything to light in his own time. Though you may be thinking (as I am), My life is just random circumstances! None of it is adding up, and none of it is giving me a clear sense of direction or purpose. Remember this, my friends: the Lord has a plan, even when you don't. And it's a good one. Listen, and trust, and it will all be revealed, in time.

Even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.

"There will be a highway called the Holy Road...It is for God's people exclusively - impossible to get lost on this road. Not even fools can get lost on it." Isaiah 35:8 (The Message)

I read this today in my morning devotions. The chapter is about the return of the redeemed to the land God has promised them. It's a chapter full of joy and images of a desert springing to life with new growth. And at the end it talks about a highway. The "Way of Holiness," the Way to the Lord. There is no uncleanness or wickedness on this road; no wild animals to maul its travelers. Only "the redeemed shall walk there" (vs. 9). And, perhaps most importantly to me, it's impossible to lose your way on this road. Even if you are acting a fool, you will not lose your way.

Oh, what a blessing! What a joy to be given this road to find God! And what a peace to find that you cannot lose your way, even though you are a fool. Everlasting hope and joy are ours on this Holy Highway, and those are things which cannot be taken away by circumstances. They are ours to claim because God has redeemed us. What glorious truth, what strength to my soul!

I am lovely.

That is what I wrote in the margin of my Bible next to the verse that says

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!"

Psalm 84:1

Beth Moore taught me this. We are the dwelling place of the Lord. He calls us lovely. There is no flaw in us (Song of Solomon 4:7).

I think about these types of things often, as I'm sure you do. Even before I read these verses and learned what they meant, I wanted everyone to feel and know and believe that they are beautiful and wanted and worth something. Even before I felt all those things myself, I wanted you to know it. And now that I do know it, and I accept it and believe it, I want with all my heart for you to know the same.

I don't believe that you can just read a couple of verses and suddenly be secure. It doesn't work like that. You will be lied to, by yourself and by others and by the Enemy, and if you just read a verse every once in awhile, you will forget. It will feel forced, and fake, and you will wonder if it's the truth. It is. Sometimes you will just have to believe. Just take it on faith that what you are reading is true. And I believe that the more you read, the more you speak with him, the more you know him, it won't take much convincing. You will begin to feel secure. You are safe with him. Your identity is safe, your beauty is safe, your life is safe.

I wish I had learned these lessons earlier, but at the same time I am thankful that I learned them when I did, and I didn't spend one day longer believing the lie that I am worthless. Do not put this off, because the way you think about yourself dictates the way you think about other people. When you think less of yourself, you will either think more of people than they deserve, or less of them than they are really worth. But, when you realize the truth about yourself and internalize that, you will love people where they are. Bring them to where you are in loving yourself. It all starts here.

This blog got deleted.

The day after I made it. That's okay, there was only one post to begin with.

I am staying in Richmond! And I am excited about it. I finally feel sure of my place, even if I don't know all the details of my purpose. But this I am sure of: the Lord has led me this far, and he won't forget me. He makes everything known in his own time.

I do not know what this blog will be about, much like I do not know what my life will be like. I am simply listening, and obeying.